撰写留学申请个人陈述时的常见误区

本篇文章是Daily Inch"文书一姐"鸟姐的知乎首答，原问题是“撰写留学申请的个人陈述 （PS, personal statement）时有哪些常见的误区？
下面是回答正文：

本科人大，2015年自己DIY申请到了芝大硕士，半奖，外加住宿奖学金。可是2014年的我被某中介坑到没有学上，无奈只好Gap一年。这事自然怨不得别人，说到底只能怪自己不上心。这一年间，我的学分绩没有变，托福和GRE因为够用没有重新考，唯一变的是我把中介代笔的文书都推倒重写，包括个人陈述，简历，推荐信还有对于文科申请非常关键的writing sample, 因此才有了比较好的结果。此番陈述目的无他，只是想说文书对于申请真的非常非常重要！

自此以后，身边很多朋友还有师弟师妹都找到我帮忙修改文书。我因为确实摸出了一些门道，尤其是在personal statement 的写作上总结了很多方法，对类似的请求也就乐此不疲，来者不拒，也十分醉心于分享我的开头六钩，主体七骨，和结尾大法（名字糙了一点，内容是好的，哈哈哈）。

在这篇回答中，我总结了四个误区。

• 炫技装X，不说人话
• 只摆事实，不讲道理
• 线性叙事，单细胞逻辑
• Baby language，小学生作文

(我这个打油诗人按捺不住的才情喷涌而出)

文章后面我还会辅之以一篇PS修改前后的深度分析，希望可以帮到大家。

我们先来看一下这四个误区具体指的是什么。

炫技装X，不说人话（此段为反面案例，请勿模仿）

”My tongue was tied by a cultural chasm, a stubborn awareness that I was different. No longer the confident high school student that dared to debate with my teachers back in China, I found myself drifting in an environment populated by languages, cultures, and academic mindsets totally different from mine.“我从朋友那里看到这篇PS开头的时候是崩溃的，据说是某位同学从中介处要来申请到了剑桥的样稿。就文段本身来讲，可以说是槽点满满。这就是典型的不说人话。看完以后一脸懵逼，拜托作者，你到底想说啥能不能给个痛快话！你的舌头was tied by 啥？还有一堆奇怪的分句，从句，竟然还有同位语乱入—a stubborn awareness –哈？固执的觉悟？为什么有一种看到了外国人的汉字纹身的感觉！

写好PS不一定要用多么高级的句式和词汇，表达也不用多么标新立异。语言务简洁务准确，要知道语言是工具，应该为思想和内容服务！没有思想的语言就是没有感情的杀手。动笔之前，请先想好你到底要表达什么。

只摆事实，不讲道理

“I studied A…I accomplished B…I authored C…I interned in D…But…So What!?”

千万不要让自己的PS变成了加长版的CV。在PS上简单得堆砌自己过往的经历，就像是在婚礼上面播放新闻联播，无聊至极。关于你的过往种种，简历上面已经写得很清楚了，就不要再浪费了PS宝贵的篇幅去说一样的内容了。那PS该写什么，怎么写？PS的素材要少而精，有代表性，PS是你的高光时刻，请展示一个特别的你！不要简单得描述了经历就戛然而止，而是要落脚到自己的特质、成长和变化。

线性叙事，单细胞逻辑

“In freshman year, …In sophomore year,…..Later,…..”

这个世界上除了顺叙时间线，还有很多很多叙事的方法和逻辑。既然今天要去电影节走红毯了，咱能不能就别骑自行车了。PS可以说是申请文书中最关键的材料了，千万不要表现得跟单细胞生物一样。用点心构思一下PS的排篇布局，其实并没有那么难。开头的方法就至少有：个人事迹法/引用法/分析法/场景重现法/设问法/门见山法。主体段落我现在随口就能说出：经历版块法/兴趣发展法/职业导向法/动机分析法/能力建设法等等等，还有很多。这些方法从字面上理解已经能猜个八九不离十了，如果有兴趣的朋友，我们可以私聊沟通。

Baby language，小学生作文（此处为反面案例，请勿模仿）

Since I was a kid, my parents (who both work for newspapers) taught me to communicate with the world through my words and pictures. So I have always been interested in photography and writing.PS有两大baby language,一个是”since I was a kid”,另一个是“I have always been interested in”。很不幸的是，这个文段两个都占全了。PS代表着申请者的语言水平和思维水平。听到baby的呓语就会猜想这个说话人就是个baby吧。总而言之，写PS的时候要像个成年人一样去思考和表达。

接下来给大家分享一个真实PS。

（此处为反面案例，请勿模仿）

这篇PS是用来申请数据分析专业的，问题很多。作者开头从喜欢科幻片入手，中间穿插了一段很尴尬的“分不清是电影还是未来”的迷之思考，最后硬着陆在了大数据和人工智能上。这个素材选择得很不理想，大谈仿生机器人可能有点太曲线救国了，毕竟这位同学申请的是数据科学。文章的主体段落部分包含了作者本科第一学年的编程学习，第二学年的一个课堂案例学习，大三的大创项目，创业设计，还有一段无处安放的交换经历。随后，用两句话思考了数据科学和人类幸福的关系，然后画风一转落脚到自己的APP开发经验，总结道面对bug要耐心。素材的选择太多太杂，对过去经历的反思和总结太少，堆砌感太强。

结尾一小段糅合了相关课程，学习目标，职业规划，还有why school why program。内容太多太乱，又都是蜻蜓点水式地草草收笔，对项目的认识和表态也缺乏诚意。

本篇PS的文章结构非常简单粗暴，基本是按照时间线来排列。经历的排布也没有逻辑，不同的经历混杂在一起，段落内部缺乏中心思想，段落之间的逻辑和联系也不明显。语言水平就不多说了……

针对以上问题，在跟同学深度沟通后，我对这篇PS进行了“整容式“修改，上文章！

As everyone can agree, big data has taken the business world, but only 0.4% of data have been analyzed, according to a report released by IDC. This simple fact shows the tremendous potential and great possibility in the realm of data analysis. Big data is a revolution in the information age. It can be applied to many fields, like medical care and education, to make our world better. Holding a strong belief in big data’s formative power in the future, I am applying for the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at Durham University.  Given my solid academic training and related practical experience, I am confident that I will learn and thrive in pursuing a master’s degree.

修改思路：以数据行业的一个基本事实作为开篇，体现申请者的阅读广度，结合作者原本放在文章后半部的关于数据科学和人类幸福的思考，体现申请的利他思维和价值观。点出相关背景，直接清晰得陈述申请诉求。

I embarked on my undergraduate studies at the XXXXX Institute of XXXX University with a focus on Business Intelligence. The course, Database Applications and Principles, opened the door to the new world of data analysis for me. There was a case study that impressed me so deeply that I still vividly remember it. Diapers and beer are always put together for sale in supermarkets, because after mining and analyzing a large amount of transaction data with data mining technology, it was unexpectedly discovered that the most purchased product along with diapers was beer. I was deeply surprised and amazed by the power of big data through this small case. In order to better prepare myself to understand big data, I paid full attention to my course work, especially in computing, coding and mathematics. My hard work won me a precious opportunity to study in Taiwan as a student representative of my school. This different teaching and learning environment broadened my thinking and motivated me to explore more. A series of classes such as Big Data Management, Statistical Analysis, and Financial Data Analytics deepened my understanding of data analysis and data mining.

The reward of my studious work goes far beyond having a presentable GPA: being able to apply what I have been taught in practice gives me a great sense of accomplishment. In the year of 2016, I joined a provincial innovation and entrepreneurship program, and worked in a team on a smart home project. I was in charge of the design and development of a smart switch. I embedded a chip into a switch to give it wireless communication, power consumption sensing and environmental detection capabilities, and then developed a mobile app. Users can use this app to remotely control the switch and monitor the power consumption. The mobile app can provide user-friendly reminders and customized power optimization solutions based on intelligent analysis of power consumption data, and recommend solutions for energy-saving decisions to achieve energy-saving goals. This project has given me a taste for work that requires an innovative mindset, and has confirmed my determination to create great products which will make real differences in the future.

中间主体段落以学术背景和实践经验来对申请者之前散乱排布的经历进行区分。前者体现学术兴趣的来源，相关课程背景，交换经验，于字里行间体现申请者认真努力的学习态度和习惯。后者实践经验包含大创和APP开发经验，体现相关实践背景，和学以致用的职业追求。

To achieve my objective, pursuing studies in the United Kingdom is a crucial step. I wish to possess a global perspective, and to obtain solid academic training in data science through master’s-level studies, so as to lay a solid foundation for my career as a data engineer. I have selected the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at XXX University. Firstly, I believe that erudite professors will be of great help to my accumulation of knowledge. Secondly, the MSc program attaches clear importance to both data analysis and computing science. I believe that a decent foundation in computer science is a must for a professional in data analysis. Last but not least, your school enjoys a worldwide prestige with students around the world converging here to pursue professional growth. These excellent fellows are valuable resources, and to exchange ideas with them is an opportunity to treasure for a lifetime. Hence, I sincerely hope your esteemed committee can offer me this precious opportunity.

结尾段落主要围绕自己的学习诉求，并结合项目的特点对自己的诉求进行匹配，回答why school why program的问题。 最后一段如果同学能更细致深入得挖掘学校的师资配备和在研项目的状况，能够更加清晰有据地说服招生委员会。

尾声其实类似这样的修改，我做了很多。如果有朋友觉得这样的对比分析有帮助的话，我还可以贴出更多的修改前后的PS文章。其实在写这篇回答的时候，有同学跟我说没有多少人愿意了解PS是怎么写的，因为大多数人还是倾向把写作这件事情交给了别人代劳，一方面可能是时间紧张，留学申请有太多的环节需要照顾，另一方面可能就是畏难情绪，对自己的能力不够自信，再一个原因可能就是懒惰了。我想说的是，学习写好PS其实锻炼的是终身受益的英文写作技能。我们且不说课程论文和作业需要我们能写会说，想在海外实习工作也是需要写Cover Letter的，即便你回国工作，进入企业总得会写邮件，写英文报告，策划等等吧。总而言之，我们不应该狭隘得看待PS写作的价值。